Fuck it all.

Fuck her. She doesn't deserve me. I'll die before the day comes where she finds someone as good as me. And she'll probably die before that too.


I need to get out the house
I need to feel the freezing cold breeze on my skin
I need to feel the heat of alcohol running down my gullet into my chest
I need to feel the burn of pulling a stupid amount of weed into my throat
I need go now

One day at a time.

Okay, this is getting harder. Day by day.

When I first broke up with my girlfriend, I felt okay with it, as I said. I felt I'd done the right thing. I'm not sure if it was actually because of that, or because I was actually just emotionally numb. It's confusing. However, some things in my life have lightened up. Because I'm not worrying about my ex (when we were together of course) all the time, I've become less stressed and angry. I'm spending more time with my family and friends. I'm just not worrying, which in effect means I'm not upset, meaning I'm not hurting.

However, every now and again I get these 'short bursts', if you like, of memories and all the stuff I miss. Of her. And it sucks because it cuts deep. Reason being that we've thrown all this away because of her addiction (the last nail in the coffin, you could say). Everything we've been through and managed to get past, and at the end still being in a loving relationship - all gone. Was it a waste of time, then? She's told me it's difficult, that she's upset, she misses me, she still loves me and that that won't go away, that I'm still really important to her, that she wants us to be amazingly close; she still wants me to be the person she turns to, the person she looks forward to seeing. And I feel exactly the same way with all of that.

I've been talking to her recently, the conversations have been going well but never fail to come to 'us'. I put the idea across that we should attempt to avoid the subject for now, and work on becoming friends. We could be great friends again. We could still love each other like we do, but just not be hurting at the fact that we can't be together, to go that step further again. Right now, that's what I want the most. It'll take time. The conversations will eventually get too hard, and she'll tell me she has to stop. They're hard for me in the sense that I can't ask when I can next come over, or tell her I love her. That it's not the same. But, I have to bite my lip and do it no matter what, because it's the only thing that'll fix this to an extent. See?

I'll be speaking like I would when we were really close friends & in a relationship, and forget that we've just broken up. I have to remind myself that it's the small steps that eventually bring you to what you ultimately want. The small steps - that's why it takes time.

Another way I can explain this is through music, so here's a song to help with all of this:

Coldplay - The Scientist

Elijah

I'm good, for now.

Why do I feel so... normal?

I don't get it. Two days ago I ended it with my girlfriend. My first true love. I magnified the fact that she wouldn't even want to attempt to give up killing herself. And by killing herself I mean smoking. I decided to be a prick and give her an ultimatum. I know that's not fair, but I needed to see who/what she actually loved more, which one she couldn't live without out. Turns out she didn't want to answer it, which was an answer within itself. She sacrificed our relationship for cigarettes, instead of vice versa. Why should I stay in that sense then?

But what she doesn't know is that it was because of everything. The smoking was a part of it, yes. Like I'm going to stand around and watch and know she's slowly killing herself. Why stick around when I know I'm unable to hug her, kiss her, or just be around her in general, when she's been smoking? Because it disgusts me that much. There'd be no intimacy. I love her too much for it to get like that.

In relation to everything, it was that I barely got to see her because of her depression. She was never happy, and no matter what I did I could never achieve her happiness. She kept telling me things that I knew were lies. She consistently broke promises and cancelled plans. She wanted too much attention from other people. And when she was unhappy, I was too, which was in effect 90% of the time. I'm not bitching about her, I still love her, these are just the things I tried to handle throughout our relationship. I mean, c'mon, should any guy have to go through this in his first serious relationship?

Things just got too much for me I guess. Sometimes I think, if it were meant to be, we'd end up back together, but I can't see it now. We've already split once, about 2 weeks into our first relationship. Then we got back together after some time, and now 4 months in we're at the same place, just a different story.

Biggest coincidence ever, was that one of my closest friends found the picture of me and her we took early in our relationship. It was from one of those picture booths, so I got two and she got two. She put her one in her purse, I put my one on my wardrobe door. It always made me smile, even when I was upset or mad at her.

But, care to guess where he found it? On the floor, dirty, on Norbury high road. And that just said it to me. The first day we broke up, she was able to carelessly throw it away. I kept mine, but took it down from my wardrobe door of course.

She went raving yesterday also, and apparently was spiked, and did stupid things. Her weed, smoking, drinking, depression, and just general, problems, are something I can't help her with any more. It just got to the point where I couldn't handle it any further. I want to be able to, but I just can't find it in me now.

What I don't get, is why I feel so okay with this. Or just to this extent. Like, I've done the right thing, even though it was the one thing I never wanted. I mean, I could see marriage and kids with that girl. When we first split I was mad hurt, but now I virtually feel nothing. And I think I know why. When we broke up the first time, I was hurting because she didn't give us a chance. I was hurt because we could of had a future, but I would of never of known how it would turn out. Now, I know how far we could of gone. And I guess it was this. There was nothing more I could do for us. I tried and tried to keep things grounded and optimistic, but eventually I lost patience and the arguments followed.

It's the end of the road for us. She could find someone easily, she's beautiful. And she will. Maybe someone who can handle her, and is okay with the smoking. And maybe I'll find someone who'll love me properly, and not play all these games, and not hurt me all the damn time. Someone who can keep to their promises.

I want us to be on good terms, at the least, but I think she's mad at me. I don't want her to resent me. I'll just have to give it time.

This was a selfish, childish post. Apologies.

Elijah

More problems? Really?

I've realised I do indeed have problems, but I don't want to be the type of guy who dumps all of it on someone else. So, from now on I'm keeping my mouth shut. Think of it as the whole 'bottling it up' type of persona. Instead, because nobody actually reads this, I can dump it here. How fun.

I text my good friend Chewie yesterday basically explaining what I was going through and feeling at the time. I was trying to make big, consequential decisions, educationally and relationship wise. He's one of the only people I talk to when concerning this sort of stuff. You could say I went through a destructive narcissistic moment. I mean, he has his own shit going on, so who the fuck am I to add to his load? Who the fuck am I to treat him as some armchair psychiatrist? The text was pretty explicit and worrying; even when I read back over it I was like "...the fuck?". So of course when I rang him today (irrelevant to what was in the text) he asked about me. I just told him everything's fine. It's not, but I wont be that guy any more. See?

He's an awesome, concerned friend. We've helped each other a lot over this year. So I guess shutting my damn mouth when a deep, controversial, personal subject brings itself into our chats, may come as a surprise to him at first. He'll get used to it though.

In other news, I picked up a glass two days ago, turned to my half-a-bottle of rum, and said "fuck it". Almost 2 whole weeks I survived. And you know what? I didn't care about what anyone said about it. I don't know why, but I didn't. My mum brought it up, and I just laughed. Zelh commented on it, but I shrugged it off. Some of my friends expressed their concern and disappointment, but I didn't care. I could go with a couple shots now to be honest. Well, a couple, couple.... couple shots. Fuck it, a bottle. Considering I mixed my shots with pain killers and cough medicine, I still got through the night with a clear head (Y).

♪ Covonia! Cough medicine with *black out*

Terrible, I know.

I keep punching stuff, but I've taught myself to do it without injuring my cut, so it's healing now. My girlfriend wont know I'm being violent still, I just have to be supportive and act happy in my texts. It helps her, and that's what I want. I can't show her what the fuck is actually going on upstairs. How much longer can I put up with this shit?

Elijah

Epiphany.

I tried religion

But my rules were shattered under temptation

So I tried to be happy

But my temperament boiled my compassion

So I tried to love

But love isn't real

So I tried to be real

But reality is a farfetched nightmare

So I tried to dream

But my dreams were tasteless and blank

So I just tried to be a good person

But a good person has their flaws

So I tried to be flawless

But my flaws were an unfathomable fissure…

A fissure

In the stained crust of a dying biography

The biography of my life

This life

It's just a spoken word

In the hall of a thousand mouths

Eternal conversation

Our word is not heard

Not by the people we know

The people we once loved

Not even by ourselves

Because we're caught up in our own imagination

An image of our own happiness

And we won’t listen to ourselves

Our true self

Buried under the soil of our corruption

Telling us to shut the fuck up

Cover our ears

And run

Run as fast as you fucking can

Because our minds are potent and misleading

But our voice is true

And you don't need ears, to listen to you

So get off your ass

Forget your simple life and red carpets

And do something

Do something that will at least make a minuscule dent

In the history, of our future

Not the awards, the pictures, the publicity in general

It's an achievement that lasts forever

And you can stand up in pride

And say "fuck you"

To all the people who once looked down on you

‘Cause you can try and try to be something that isn’t you

But the harder you try the stronger the force

The force of the gravitational pull which is you

Yourself

Your personality

Because it does not want to change

And when you finally hit rock bottom once again

You’ll feel used and broken

Like a torn apart rag doll no longer need by its owner

That is what society will do to you, if you follow their rules

Their laws

Their scriptures

Every fucking thing they tell you to do

They’ll milk you of all your potential

And leave you for the butcher

Don’t be that person now

Be yourself

‘Cause we can be something real

We just have to reach out, grab it by the balls

And say

"This is my fucking life, and I can do whatever the hell I want"

We shouldn't listen to what they want us to hear

See what they want us to see

Because they're spoon feeding us fake motives

And unachievable goals

So take my hand

And escape through the back lot of a broken contemporary society

Where our visions are subliminised

And come with me

To be whatever you’re supposed to be

Because life here is empty

And we need more than change

Change is just a word
It's fiction;

We need the truth.

I wrote this some time ago, when times were kind of messed up, and the situation I was in was gradually changing me as a person. It isn't meant to be sang over a beat or read out to an audience incapable of understanding that poetry isn't all rhymes, love, happiness, and a radio-friendly pop corrupted bullshit song you hear today. The sort of people who can't fathom the truth, so they wont hear me or you, if you share the same views. It's meant to be heard. Whether it be through speech or inside your head. Hear it. Reality is a blunt knife, that'll eventually push its way into your gut. Slow and painful. Reality is the 12 year old girl with a slit wrist. It's loneliness and death.

I should start writing again.

Peace.

Elijah

Paint it slow motion, like trees that reach for the Sun.

When drinking a glass of red wine; if you drink it too fast, you may spill some of it - some of it may fall and permanently stain clothing, or some of it might fall and wash away off the tiles, it's taste only to be wasted and forgotten. Drink your wine at a steady pace. Don't rush, because you'll never get a good enough taste, and a full glass.

With life, if we speed through it, we’ll never get the full picture, but rather an incomplete, smudged portrait of what it could have been.

Elijah

I want it all to end.

I want to drop out of college

I want to move out of my privacy forsaken flat

I want my girlfriend to stop being depressed

I want to fight

I want to make my family proud

I want to be happy

I want to achieve personal success

I want to be free

I want to live without worry

I want to run, far

I want to forget and leave everything behind, just to see what I'd do first

I want to get rid of my guilt

I want to not be able to 'feel'

I want to believe in something, even if it's just myself

I want to go back and correct mistakes, even if it changes who I am today

I want to change

I want to stop living this same cycle of life

I want to wake up and not have 10 thoughts on my mind

I want to fucking kill my budgies

I want to cut my hair

I want to do work, but I'm too lazy

I want to be lonely again

I want to be close to my cousin again

I want to body build again

I want my heart to man-up

I want my mum to stop fucking worrying about me all the time, and let me go

I want to stop being so angry

I want to be able to actually enjoy playing with my youngest siblings

I want to stop over-thinking about every damn thing

I want to drink until I pass out

I want to hug my girlfriend without worrying about her hair stinking of smoke

I want to stop lying to the people I love

I want to completely change my childhood

I want to stop being so paranoid

I want to think that one day everything will be fine

I want to go out at night with no motive

I want to smile and laugh without remembering there'll always be something wrong

I want to go back to a time when everything was simple and good

I want to believe that someday I can get what I truly want

I want too much

But, who really cares about what other people want?

A song stuck in my head right now, which is weird 'cause they're never this soft:

Come Around - Rhett Miller

My knuckle's never going to heal if I keep punching stuff, and this rash on my left arm wont disappear under pressure from glass. Great.

Elijah

Handle with care.

Damn, yet again I've managed to blow another chance of joining a band. Is my compensatory narcissism that bad?

Thing is, I know I'm a good singer. Hell, a damn good singer. I sang in front of people outside of my family for the first time a month or so ago, and the feedback was deliciously consumed by my out of proportion ego. But to be fair, I wouldn't call them 'people' per se, 'cause they were among my closest friends, and even then I was shitting it. It's probably my fear of public speaking emitting itself onto something I actually take interest in. I suck at public speaking.

My vocals are among one of the things I actually take care of, but never abuse in terms of 'showing my talents'. Maybe I'll go next week, as band practice is every Saturday at 10.30 am. That's if my friend is still able to take my word for something I say I'll do - I've cancelled plans on him more times than I can count. Don't dare call me a bad friend. However, I will accept being called fucking lazy. Yes. Maybe he'll just give up and find someone else, whatever.

On a lighter note (?), I just used an anti-bacterial hand gel, and the smell of alcohol from it made me crave a glass of vodka. But I can't start drinking again, my girlfriend (of 4 months) would be upset. I love the lass, but is drowning my problems with endless alcohol really worth her tears? Or my mother's?

It's been a week and three days now anyhow, mainly because I have nothing to drink in my room as of yet. Yes, I drink alone, close to often.

It could be because this year has been FUCKING TOUGH, COMPLICATED, CONFUSING, STRANGE, EMOTIONALLY CHAOTIC, EVENTFUL. Just maybe. But one thing I know for sure is that it's changed me as a person, indeed. I used to be the guy who would take calls at extremely inconvenient times, just to help out a friend and give some advice. Now I just ignore calls and avoid confrontation with the sort of subjects that'll require my advice. Because in all honesty? I actually couldn't give a fuck any more. I've helped people enough. I have problems too, where's my goddamn advice? Just think about that Lamb Of God lyric we all love: "See who gives a fuck"

I think it's only a matter of time before I completely combust and verbally/physically hurt the people I actually enjoy the company of. Meh.

Anyways I need christmas present ideas for my girlfriend, anyone care to help?

You've probably noticed that I change subject quite a bit. This is because, just like small talk, conversing on the same subject for a certain amount of time bores me senseless. You following?

Elijah

It's not all about me.

hEllo every1! i just thot i wud post so here! i luuuuuuuuuuuuuv my blog so much its totlly awsome!!!!!!!!

No.

I despise those people too, so relax.

Clearly I'm new to the whole blogging scene, I've never really taken a second look until now. Why now then? Easy: firstly, I've realised that I don't converse too often about my life with people in the real world. Things like feelings, my past, my thoughts, what I like to get up to, that shit. Mostly because small talk bores the utter fuck out of me. Deep conversations about what the fuck is actually going down is what interests me, just as long as it doesn't involve too much about me. That and, well, long walks on the beach. So I thought this would be a good place to speak my mind without the consequences taken into account. Fuck it, there is no 'secondly'

You following?

I didn't join this for fake followers and a billion comments on every post, because I hate the limelight. Nay, I'm not a tool like some suicidal attention whores looking for sympathy, when really they have it adequately good, but who knows. It's why those constantly depressed posts/status annoy me, to an extent, 'cause I can relate, to an extent. Yes, I have drinking/hoarding/not giving a shit/potential drop-out/narcissitic, problems, but I wont be over-dramatic in speaking about them. You'll only get the truth from me. There should have been an etcetera in there.

Anyways, as oppose to my recent obsession with the gym, it's winter and I can't be fucked to get up and travel to the gym, so I'm binge eating to replace the muscle weight. Right now I weigh slap bang 154 lbs (decent for a 17 year old I guess), I want to get to 162 lbs, where I was at around a month and a half ago, by the end of January. Yes, my metabolism is unbelievably high. Anyone with this problem able to give some advice?

I've had this lyric stuck in my head, it's my favourite of this week. Here:

"Cause even when the world is falling on top of me, pessimism is an emotion, not a philosophy"

Just remember that.

Elijah