Oh, hai thur.

I don't know what to say or how to start this really, but things are good again. Actually good again.

I've faced my demons, and given every truth I could.

I've stopped binge eating.

I've stopped binge drinking.

I've stopped being a sloth (although I am still pretty lazy - hey, it's just me).

I've gone back to the gym.

I've started exercising more frequently.

I've started eating more healthier foods.

I'm actually starting to study even though my exams are over, because it beats doing fuck all.

I'm actually beginning to enjoy being the person I am.

I'm laughing and actually meaning it.
I look at people, and the world, and realise how beautiful all of it is.

I have stuff to look forward to now, stuff that I'm genuinely concentrating on. Including being there for family and friends, and being there for myself. The other day I faced 'the bench'. I went for a walk and ended up there. The bench we used to sit on, and talk for hours. Long story short I just let my mind speak out loud, and I realised how I felt, and what I needed to do. I may have looked real crazy, but ultimately, it kind of helped. Long story short again, it turned out fine, for me anyway. Because I feel good again. I've let go of a burden I've needed to for a while now. 

Knowing I'm back exercising and eating somewhat right again, along with having a 'you should be studying' mind set, helped me understand that I'm not depressed any more. I'm not upset. I've been singing, not screaming. I've been forgiving so much more easier, and just point blank letting go of shit I don't need to hold on to, because doing that just makes me more depressed and upset.

This blog has helped me express myself pretty well, mostly the bad stuff but hey. It would be the bad stuff, because who wants to dump that on someone else? And with good stuff, you can't really 'dump' good feelings and motives on someone else, it's more of a vibe you give someone. I believe that if you're in a good mood, the people around you can be influenced by that, even without you saying anything.

However, with that considered, I think I only need this for any music stuff I want to put down from now on, but who knows. All I know is, right now, things are looking up, and I'm not going to let myself or anyone else bring that back down. See ya.

Elijah

Leaving the past, forgetting the future

I've taken a dive head first into 2011 ladies and gentlemen, finally. Whenever someone asked "so what are your new years resolutions?", I'd simply reply "I don't have any. I'm staying in 2010". I obviously didn't mean literally, but rather 2010 was an eventful year, with some very good, and some very bad, memories. I hadn't fully moved on from that yet, thus I was still livin' in 2010.

Now it hit me. It's time to forget about everything. Maybe not forget about what it's done to/for me, and how it's changed me, but forgetting about it. Also, just entirely not thinking about the future, in every sort of sense. I want to live in this moment, in the present, right now. I'm beginning to make choices that aren't influenced from past occurrences, and doesn't involve thoughts to do with future consequences - it's constricting. I'll do what I feel is right, at that exact moment. I'll do what I want, and I'll have no regrets, because it'd be very thing I wanted at that time. Things shall flow according to what is instinct; what is natural for me.

Live for today, and not tomorrow.

No more grudges. No more pretending.

World War 3.

Why do you have to be so stubborn all the time?

When'll you realise that they wont be here forever? And this game you play in your head will eventually end. You know that when that happens there'll be nothing left to gain, right? No more pieces to pick up, they'll have all scattered away into the past like the ashes of a fallen soldier - Lost forever, but never forgotten by the people who cared. In this case, it's not "people", it's 'person', and that person is you.

So what is it? You're afraid? Afraid that if you get close it'll crumble apart again, and the pain will be greater? Or afraid of the fact that no matter what, as long as they're still 'there', they're still able to hurt you, directly and indirectly. You're chest pushes itself towards the risk of repeated pain, because it wants the intimacy, the 'feelings' to come flooding back, just to remember what that was like. Your mind pulls away from this irrational madness, telling you to push away anything that vaguely resembles or reminds you of those feelings you once could... feel - "Wanting to be hurt yet again? What the fuck is wrong with you, heart? Don't you ever learn?"

I've had enough decisions on my plate, and I've always been a man of the gut. But my gut stays out of this one, the big boys play about with a decision like this; obviously being Heart and Mind. Real deep down, I've always known which path to follow, but now with these two paths that face me, each ending of each path scares me. But I'm not sure which one scares me more. Loss or Gain. Freedom or Pain.

War is declared.

Fiction.

Wowaweewah, I just realised that I haven't actually blogged something properly in a while. Meaning, my last 'deep' post was 11 days ago. I guess writing dumb-ass, pointless stories, and songs about depressing stuff has pretty much taken my mind off of what I really can't avoid talking about. However, I must do that - avoid it.

Right now, the only things I can think about are:

Alcohol

Sex

Cigars

Prescription drugs

Screaming

Only one of those listed I'm unable to receive/do as easily as the others. You've guessed correctly... fuckmylifesidewayswithapitchfork.

Today was weird. It just all felt strange and unreal. I woke up later in the morning to shower and clean myself up properly (I have free periods in the morning on Fridays), and the journey to college felt... unusual. Then getting into college, I thought this feeling may change or go away, but did nay to my dismay. Ever since X left, college has felt completely different anyway, like it'd side-tracked down a different road of environmental-based feelings. You know when you get the 'feel' of a place? Like home feels different to work/college? Like that. It was altered in a way, meaning it didn't feel like the same college I was at a few months ago.

I didn't go to any lessons, I just didn't want to. Even though my economics teacher cheers me up with his stand-up persona, it didn't seem to me like anything was able to get rid of this feeling. And I think I knew why - X was supposed to be visiting college today. My mind said go home, but my heart said stay. It's like I had to see X, establish them as a physical person once again, just so I can sort out whether or not those feelings are still there. X didn't turn up in the end, which was both a relief and disappointment. Relief because I thought to myself: "What if I see them and all those feelings are still there? What if they talk to me? How do I speak to someone with a past like ours, but also with a present like ours, and no future?" I guess it'd be real awkward. Disappointment because I just want to get it over with and find out.

I didn't want to go straight home today, it feels too lonely there sometimes, so I went back with Mike to jam at his. We've virtually finished our song now, which is great, and it sounds real good. In the space of less than a day, I've established a chorus with him, fit in the rest of the verses, added some extra bits, and basically completed our first song. I'm pretty proud of that :)

On the way home things got bad, however. I don't trust myself when it comes to lonely journeys to any place when it's dark. I was listening to I Wont See You Tonight Pt.1, and it just made things worse. I started getting those suicidal thoughts and such. I hate having this sometimes; not being able to help it. That part of me told me to get off the bus, buy a bottle of vodka, and wonder the streets. It's what it always tells me to do when I'm in this type of situation. I've only listened to that part of me a handful of times, and the consequences weren't too amazing to say the very least.

All of this feels somewhat fictional, and I'm not sure how to pull myself away from it.

What have we become? (Constructed)

This is just for remembering purposes

[Fast]

We fight, we ignore each other

Realisation settles in 

And what once was a disagreement

Now fades away

Buried, deep enough to stop the bullshit for now

And now we're happy, now we're sad

Now we're speaking, now we're silent

Empty, how empty this feels

Emotions inoperable like 4th degree cancer

I keep getting nothing out of this

Apart from the emptiness

All the confusion

It leads me to think.

(Build up)

Sometimes it'll feel like it isn't worth it

But, it's true;

You don't know what you got until it's gone

It's sometimes hard to realise where you're at, and how much you have

Until you lose it all.

What have we become?

[Slow]

I love you

I have to get you angry to make you realise that

Like a child looking for a parent's appreciation

When I'm with you I feel...

Perfect, without any flaw

But the sunset always passes by

And it's just the two of us sitting outside, side by side 

(Break)

Dark, cold, a feeling of loneliness even though we're together 

And we eventually forget why we're here

That's when it gets hard

Because this part feels like forever

A long stretch of unhappiness

I don't want to do this.

(Break)

What have we become?

Sometimes it'll feel like it isn't worth it

But, it's true;

You don't know what you got until it's gone

It's sometimes hard to realise where you're at, and how much you have

Until you lose it all. (x2)

I lost it.

Elijah

NEW TUNES!!

ZOMG. Talk about spontaneous. Me and my real good friend Mike were on the phone, and he decided to show me some chords he wrote, of which he discovered while randomly playing. Well, I starting singing the chorus of the song I wrote called "What have we become?" (earlier in my blog), and it fit perfectly. I'm actually real excited about that, because it sounds awesome!

Mike's only been playing since the end of summer, and he's already this talented. Just this spontaneous, over-the-phone jam, has been more progressive than what I'm doing with my band xD. I have a good feeling about this.

The new Tenacious D?

Lyric Reminder.

As I was completely destroying my vocal chords and tearing neck muscles while screaming out to the IOWA and Slipknot self-titled albums, I conjured up my own lyric :). It'll definitely be put in the new song I'm thinking up:

Scream until you pop a blood vessel

Shout until you tear a muscle

Also, something to do with this line: I'm prone to addiction.

Remember to put this in your new song, future self. REMEMBER!

Get this.

Local bands: Suck these nuts

U.S. bands: Suck these nuts

Worldwide bands: Suck these nuts

All you bands can suck these fuckin' nuts

GO!

Get this or die.

<3 Slipknot

Friction sucks.

Note to future self:

NEVER try and power-slide down your hallway again when wearing printed tracksuit bottoms. The friction breaks your power-slide and burns your knees.

It was borderline worth it, however. I managed to pull off a decent slide, but my knees are a pain now. Meh.

POWERSLIDETHATMOTHAFUCKAOHYEYAH!

Ahem, yeah.

Coma.

Sleep, Sleep, Sleep, Sleep

Sleep, Sleep, Sleep, Sleep

Sleep, Sleep, Sleep, Sleep

Sleep, Sleep, Sleep, Sleep

Dream

Why do I keep dreaming?

My subconscious desires

They hide underneath the surface

Buried under skin

And when I wake I feel drenched in sin

I shouldn't yearn for this

But in my heart I want this

Sleep, Sleep, Sleep, Sleep

Sleep

Why must I sleep?

Sleep, Sleep, Sleep, Sleep

Sleep

I can't let myself dream

The dreams

They're becoming more frequent

Bursting with colour

It's so indecent

To let me see how clearly I want it

To the point where I almost taste it

Can I face it? No

I can't look back any more

To think, what it was all like before

But what does all of this mean?

I'm so confused

Why must I dream?

Sleep, Sleep, Sleep, Sleep

Sleep

Why do I sleep?

Sleep, Sleep, Sleep, Sleep

Sleep

I can't let myself dream

I don't sleep any more

I've woken up from my coma

I don't dream any more

I killed off my desires, and now it's all over

I don't sleep.

In the absence of something.

Without something

Nothing 

Apart from the emptiness of which is this life

Which seems like nothing

But it is indeed something

Nothing would be death

Because death does not lead to heaven

It does not lead to hell

It's decay and eternal blindness

And we're convinced that there's a reason to all of this

There isn't a bigger cause

There's no waking up

To a place of immortal happiness

The people we once loved welcome us

And the life begins here

It doesn't

This place doesn't exist

Death is the end

We'll always be trapped

Think about that

One single place

One cage

With no hope, no spiritual reincarnation

No one, not even yourself

Can you guess what it is yet?

This is nothing, ladies and gentlemen

This is an inevitability  

This is the end.

You can't escape this place

We're all slowly dying

You can't escape this place

You scream while you're denying

There is no escape from this place

You know it's true, there's no sense in lying

Give up your soul

Let desertion feast on your body

Your mind escapes, and your soul withers away

You're now an empty corpse

Relax, it's over

You belong to nothing now.

What have we become?

We fight, we ignore each other

Realisation settles in 

And what once was a disagreement

Now fades away

Buried, deep enough to stop the bullshit for now

And now we're happy, now we're sad

Now we're speaking, now we're silent

Empty, how empty this feels

Emotions inoperable like 4th degree cancer

I keep getting nothing out of this

Apart from the emptiness

All the confusion

And it leads me to think.

I love you

I have to get you angry to make you realise that

Like a child looking for a parent's appreciation

When I'm with you I feel...

Perfect, without any flaw

But the sunset always passes by

And it's just the two of us sitting outside, side by side 

Dark, cold, a feeling of loneliness even though we're together 

And we eventually forget why we're here

That's when it gets hard

Because this part feels like forever

A long stretch of unhappiness

I don't want to do this.

Sometimes it'll feel like it isn't worth it

But, it's true;

You don't know what you got until it's gone

It's sometimes hard to realise where you're at, and how much you have

Until you lose it all.

I lost it.

Elijah

This Disease

Do you enjoy feeling like you don't have anything? When really you have almost everything?

It's too late to save yourself

So sit there

Bathe in your own pity

You want to cry

You want to shout

You want to scream at all the people who tell you what to do

You want to feel their pain on top of yours

The pressure

Pushing you down

You keep falling

Further and further into the abyss

There's no way to stop it

No way to get back

No way to repair the damage caused

It's a scar, a sunk cost

Immovable and unchangeable

It's you

You do this

To yourself

To everyone

You want to be the one thing you used to despise

That thing you can't control within yourself

It claws away at your soul

Looking for a way in

Looking for a way to corrupt you

Damage you

Turn you into a living reincarnation of it

You'll be that thing

One day

It waits for you to be vulnerable

To accept it

To hurt everyone you love

To become the person you hate

But love to think about becoming

It's your turn to wake up

To understand you're slowly becoming nothing

One day you'll turn around and no one'll be there

No one'll care

Do you want that?

Do you want to lose everyone?

Do you want to be alone forever?

You know the answer

You knew it before I even asked the damn question

It's time for you to fight

It's time for you to accept this thing

It's time for you leave this place

Leave your past behind

Everyone you once loved

Everything you once possessed

It's now

It's right now

You've waited for this moment for so long

You know it feels right

You know you have to do this

You know it's time

Wake up

Elijah

Purple Haze, Part 2 - Utopia (Unfinished)

...My mind, my perspective, is changing. Being manipulated by some internal factor. It's like I comprehend everything in this strange place, like I understand it. Like I know this place. Like I BELONG here. I understand why that thorn bush had fingers, I understand how and why the trees breathe in such an animated way. I know this place now. I don't know if this excites me, or scares the hell outta me. Either way, I will continue, and it feels even better now that I have this new found knowledge...

When I walk now, it doesn't feel like I'm walking. It feels more like I'm... gliding. My sight is flawless, and everything seems so real now. More real than when I was at the park, or in school, or at home.

As I crossed the jelly bean river, there came this abnormally large figure through the trees. The Marshmallow Dinosaur. I was frightened at first, as he look deprived of food. But he looked down at me with his wise eyes, and he said,

"Son, Have You Seen The World? Well What Would You Say, If I Said That You Could?". He spoke in a tone I've never heard. I gave a nervous smile and accepted his indirect offer.

He told me many things, but for some reason, before he even spoke I knew nearly all of the information he gave me. I know the rules and the new laws of physics, but, there is still some things I have yet the gain knowledge of, and I was sternly warned not to get too ahead of myself because of this.

First off, this new and mystical place is called the Rainbow Forest. I played with the Marshmallow Dinosaur in this part of the Rainbow Forest, for what seemed like an unfathomable eternity. It was thrilling and unimaginably enjoyable. Time doesn't seem to play a factor in this place, I can't feel it here. The marshmallow dinosaur's name is Bifanoir, and he called upon his dragon hobbits to whisk me away to this place he promised once we had finished playing.

When I finally arrived at this mythical place I met a see-saw named Darek, a fire goblin named Ruby, and a two-headed wizard who to this day denies to tell anyone of his name. Not even Bifanoir knows his name, the eldest occupant of the rainbow forest. I thought Bifanoir had knowledge of everything, however I believe that the wizard's abstract powers enable him to direct this knowledge away from the Marshmallow Dinosaur. So I call him Gemini. He wears a full body, pure white robe, which covers everything apart from his two hands, and not one stain appears on it. He has a green, curly moustache, but a large top hat covers his head, and he carries a walking stick made from 100% snake - It's literally a living snake. His face is worn and old, but somehow his hands look as young as mine, maybe younger, and he wears a ring on his left hand pinky. I've never gotten close enough to see this ring's detail, but from afar it's stunningly dazzling .

Gemini is very interesting, he has more knowledge than me, and he's much wiser because of it. He often has debates with himself, one head vs the other. It's fun to watch, plus I learn a lot from it. He hasn't spoken to me directly yet, he usually just speaks to himself, and apart from what he merely manages to do with the snake, I have yet to witness his wizardry at first hand.

Purple Haze, Part 1 - Something Old, Something New

I've never been the 'cool kid' in school. Never the 'smart one'. Not even the normal one. I've never fit in with any type of social group, and with a name like Zoe, being a teenage boy, didn't help with trying to fit in. My peers all made fun whenever my name was called out on the register. Every single time.

My alarm rings, and I'm woken from yet another tasteless dream. This time I was sitting on the edge of my bedroom window, chewing gum, just looking down. Just looking. What a waste of a dream, I'd of thought that if my unconscious mind was going to occupy the time taken up while sleeping, it would of at least conjured up something interesting or exciting. But no. Tasteless. Every single time.

My mother calls from the living room to say goodbye, she's off to work again. I have no clue as to what she works as, I've never really taken any interest, and she's never spoken about work whenever we have our 4 second chats, before I escape into my isolation. That would be my room.

I go through my usual morning routine, and head towards the kitchen to pick up the packed lunch my mother may or may not have made me. As I'm just about to leave my room, I take a look at the empty space next to my bed I always keep tidy and clean. It's the space I'll one day have saved enough money to occupy with a guitar. I've always wanted to play one. I still hope.
I get to the kitchen. Ah, she did make me a packed lunch today, at least now I save a few bucks from buying my own lunch. That also means that I don't have to hang around in the cafeteria at school today either. Two birds with one stone. 

As I leave my house I let my mind wonder. What if I could find a place where everyone accepts me? Where no one makes fun of me and my name? What if I just packed up all my stuff and left now, forever? Ha, don't be silly Zoe, you'd die out there. No money, no food, no where to stay. Nothing. Still, I wonder. School goes ahead as usual, people laughing, calling names, funny looks, some whisper as I walk by. It doesn't really bother me any more, I'm used to it. At lunch I sit next to Greg, he isn't really popular nor non-popular. No one really labels him as a friend or an enemy. He's not a nobody, but he's not a somebody either. Greg doesn't mind me sitting next to him at lunch times, he's always outside of the cafeteria also, and he doesn't speak much.

"Hey Greg, you okay?"

"Mhm.."

"Nice day today, huh?"

"Yeah"

"So what did you do over th-"

"Nothing. Absolutely nothing. Now can I eat my lunch?"

"Oh, uhm, sure. Sorry"

"Yeah". So we both sat there, eating our lunch. No talking, no interaction, no anything. Just the way Greg likes it.

After school some kids wait outside and throw water balloons at me. Around a dozen or so are thrown, but luckily only three hit. Two in the chest, and the other soaked my crouch. There's a potential nickname, but the kids are too busy laughing and jogging away to realise where they hit me. Luckily it's a sunny day today, so the stains will dry up quickly. A place where everyone accepts me. Where no one makes fun of me and my name.

Today I decided to take the short cut on my way home, through the park. The trees look nice today, like you know they're alive. Pure, ripe green leaves hang from every small branch on each tree. I love taking a short cut through the park on sunny days. Kids having fun in the small playground next to the astro turf football court, the gravel on the path crunching underneath my foot at each step I take. Despite my (usually experienced) bad day, I get a good, warm feeling walking through this park. Like it's a small forest, with untold wonders waiting beyond the trees. As I strolled through, not thinking about my direction, a boy approached me on a bicycle, maybe two or three years older than myself.

"Hey man. Wanna buy something that'll blow your mind?"

"Uhm, sorry, I really just want to get home"

"Listen kid, this shit right here will take you somewhere you never thought possible. And for a small price..."

"Somewhere... Never thought possible?"

"Aye. You'll feel like you're on another planet, away from all your worries. You'll feel amazing. Complete"

"Well..."

"C'mon, don't you wanna live man?"

"Hmm, what is it?"

"Well, I call it 'the good stuff'. Names don't matter here kid"

"I dunno, I don't have much on me"

"Well just give me what you got, see, I like you. I'm gonna be nice"

"Okay. Here, that's everything"

"Mmh. Okay take this. Prepare to fly kid, prepare to F-L-Y"

"Sure....thanks". As he rode off, I realise I forgot to ask what the hell I actually do with it. Do I eat it? Snort it? What do I do with it now?

So now I stand here in the middle of a park, with purple and green coloured... leaves? From a plant of some sort maybe. There's no point in just staring at it lay there innocently in my hand, so I say screw it to myself, and eat the damn thing.

5 minutes pass, and nothing. Man, I wasted this weeks allowance on that? I knew I got ripped off. I take a seat on the nearest bench, and instantly throw my head into my hands. Stupid, stupid, stupid. You'll never be able to save up for that guitar if you keep spending every penny you get on silly things. Stupid. But to my dismay, once I look up everything has.... changed. I mean completely and utterly changed. There's no more kids, no more playground, no more football court. There's just.. trees, and it looks like they stretch for miles. The same trees from the park I was just in, but the leaves are purple now. And it looks like they're, breathing! I can actually see the trees breathing! The leaves elevate and the base bends back slightly. I can hear the inhale and exhale. It's faint, but I can definitely hear it.

What's going on? I decide to get up and explore this new place. Is it new? I mean I was literally in the park 5 seconds ago, and the bench is still h-

The bench I just got up from has disappeared. Replaced by a thorn bush, but as I take a closer look, the thorns are... miniature fingers? Moving in a come hither motion. Like they're directing it at me, as if the bush wants to tell me a secret. Am I seeing this correctly? I back away in slight shock and turn around. I see a river and a crossing in the distance, so I walk towards it.