Handle with care.

Damn, yet again I've managed to blow another chance of joining a band. Is my compensatory narcissism that bad?

Thing is, I know I'm a good singer. Hell, a damn good singer. I sang in front of people outside of my family for the first time a month or so ago, and the feedback was deliciously consumed by my out of proportion ego. But to be fair, I wouldn't call them 'people' per se, 'cause they were among my closest friends, and even then I was shitting it. It's probably my fear of public speaking emitting itself onto something I actually take interest in. I suck at public speaking.

My vocals are among one of the things I actually take care of, but never abuse in terms of 'showing my talents'. Maybe I'll go next week, as band practice is every Saturday at 10.30 am. That's if my friend is still able to take my word for something I say I'll do - I've cancelled plans on him more times than I can count. Don't dare call me a bad friend. However, I will accept being called fucking lazy. Yes. Maybe he'll just give up and find someone else, whatever.

On a lighter note (?), I just used an anti-bacterial hand gel, and the smell of alcohol from it made me crave a glass of vodka. But I can't start drinking again, my girlfriend (of 4 months) would be upset. I love the lass, but is drowning my problems with endless alcohol really worth her tears? Or my mother's?

It's been a week and three days now anyhow, mainly because I have nothing to drink in my room as of yet. Yes, I drink alone, close to often.

It could be because this year has been FUCKING TOUGH, COMPLICATED, CONFUSING, STRANGE, EMOTIONALLY CHAOTIC, EVENTFUL. Just maybe. But one thing I know for sure is that it's changed me as a person, indeed. I used to be the guy who would take calls at extremely inconvenient times, just to help out a friend and give some advice. Now I just ignore calls and avoid confrontation with the sort of subjects that'll require my advice. Because in all honesty? I actually couldn't give a fuck any more. I've helped people enough. I have problems too, where's my goddamn advice? Just think about that Lamb Of God lyric we all love: "See who gives a fuck"

I think it's only a matter of time before I completely combust and verbally/physically hurt the people I actually enjoy the company of. Meh.

Anyways I need christmas present ideas for my girlfriend, anyone care to help?

You've probably noticed that I change subject quite a bit. This is because, just like small talk, conversing on the same subject for a certain amount of time bores me senseless. You following?

Elijah