One day at a time.

Okay, this is getting harder. Day by day.

When I first broke up with my girlfriend, I felt okay with it, as I said. I felt I'd done the right thing. I'm not sure if it was actually because of that, or because I was actually just emotionally numb. It's confusing. However, some things in my life have lightened up. Because I'm not worrying about my ex (when we were together of course) all the time, I've become less stressed and angry. I'm spending more time with my family and friends. I'm just not worrying, which in effect means I'm not upset, meaning I'm not hurting.

However, every now and again I get these 'short bursts', if you like, of memories and all the stuff I miss. Of her. And it sucks because it cuts deep. Reason being that we've thrown all this away because of her addiction (the last nail in the coffin, you could say). Everything we've been through and managed to get past, and at the end still being in a loving relationship - all gone. Was it a waste of time, then? She's told me it's difficult, that she's upset, she misses me, she still loves me and that that won't go away, that I'm still really important to her, that she wants us to be amazingly close; she still wants me to be the person she turns to, the person she looks forward to seeing. And I feel exactly the same way with all of that.

I've been talking to her recently, the conversations have been going well but never fail to come to 'us'. I put the idea across that we should attempt to avoid the subject for now, and work on becoming friends. We could be great friends again. We could still love each other like we do, but just not be hurting at the fact that we can't be together, to go that step further again. Right now, that's what I want the most. It'll take time. The conversations will eventually get too hard, and she'll tell me she has to stop. They're hard for me in the sense that I can't ask when I can next come over, or tell her I love her. That it's not the same. But, I have to bite my lip and do it no matter what, because it's the only thing that'll fix this to an extent. See?

I'll be speaking like I would when we were really close friends & in a relationship, and forget that we've just broken up. I have to remind myself that it's the small steps that eventually bring you to what you ultimately want. The small steps - that's why it takes time.

Another way I can explain this is through music, so here's a song to help with all of this:

Coldplay - The Scientist

Elijah