More problems? Really?

I've realised I do indeed have problems, but I don't want to be the type of guy who dumps all of it on someone else. So, from now on I'm keeping my mouth shut. Think of it as the whole 'bottling it up' type of persona. Instead, because nobody actually reads this, I can dump it here. How fun.

I text my good friend Chewie yesterday basically explaining what I was going through and feeling at the time. I was trying to make big, consequential decisions, educationally and relationship wise. He's one of the only people I talk to when concerning this sort of stuff. You could say I went through a destructive narcissistic moment. I mean, he has his own shit going on, so who the fuck am I to add to his load? Who the fuck am I to treat him as some armchair psychiatrist? The text was pretty explicit and worrying; even when I read back over it I was like "...the fuck?". So of course when I rang him today (irrelevant to what was in the text) he asked about me. I just told him everything's fine. It's not, but I wont be that guy any more. See?

He's an awesome, concerned friend. We've helped each other a lot over this year. So I guess shutting my damn mouth when a deep, controversial, personal subject brings itself into our chats, may come as a surprise to him at first. He'll get used to it though.

In other news, I picked up a glass two days ago, turned to my half-a-bottle of rum, and said "fuck it". Almost 2 whole weeks I survived. And you know what? I didn't care about what anyone said about it. I don't know why, but I didn't. My mum brought it up, and I just laughed. Zelh commented on it, but I shrugged it off. Some of my friends expressed their concern and disappointment, but I didn't care. I could go with a couple shots now to be honest. Well, a couple, couple.... couple shots. Fuck it, a bottle. Considering I mixed my shots with pain killers and cough medicine, I still got through the night with a clear head (Y).

♪ Covonia! Cough medicine with *black out*

Terrible, I know.

I keep punching stuff, but I've taught myself to do it without injuring my cut, so it's healing now. My girlfriend wont know I'm being violent still, I just have to be supportive and act happy in my texts. It helps her, and that's what I want. I can't show her what the fuck is actually going on upstairs. How much longer can I put up with this shit?

Elijah