I'm good, for now.

Why do I feel so... normal?

I don't get it. Two days ago I ended it with my girlfriend. My first true love. I magnified the fact that she wouldn't even want to attempt to give up killing herself. And by killing herself I mean smoking. I decided to be a prick and give her an ultimatum. I know that's not fair, but I needed to see who/what she actually loved more, which one she couldn't live without out. Turns out she didn't want to answer it, which was an answer within itself. She sacrificed our relationship for cigarettes, instead of vice versa. Why should I stay in that sense then?

But what she doesn't know is that it was because of everything. The smoking was a part of it, yes. Like I'm going to stand around and watch and know she's slowly killing herself. Why stick around when I know I'm unable to hug her, kiss her, or just be around her in general, when she's been smoking? Because it disgusts me that much. There'd be no intimacy. I love her too much for it to get like that.

In relation to everything, it was that I barely got to see her because of her depression. She was never happy, and no matter what I did I could never achieve her happiness. She kept telling me things that I knew were lies. She consistently broke promises and cancelled plans. She wanted too much attention from other people. And when she was unhappy, I was too, which was in effect 90% of the time. I'm not bitching about her, I still love her, these are just the things I tried to handle throughout our relationship. I mean, c'mon, should any guy have to go through this in his first serious relationship?

Things just got too much for me I guess. Sometimes I think, if it were meant to be, we'd end up back together, but I can't see it now. We've already split once, about 2 weeks into our first relationship. Then we got back together after some time, and now 4 months in we're at the same place, just a different story.

Biggest coincidence ever, was that one of my closest friends found the picture of me and her we took early in our relationship. It was from one of those picture booths, so I got two and she got two. She put her one in her purse, I put my one on my wardrobe door. It always made me smile, even when I was upset or mad at her.

But, care to guess where he found it? On the floor, dirty, on Norbury high road. And that just said it to me. The first day we broke up, she was able to carelessly throw it away. I kept mine, but took it down from my wardrobe door of course.

She went raving yesterday also, and apparently was spiked, and did stupid things. Her weed, smoking, drinking, depression, and just general, problems, are something I can't help her with any more. It just got to the point where I couldn't handle it any further. I want to be able to, but I just can't find it in me now.

What I don't get, is why I feel so okay with this. Or just to this extent. Like, I've done the right thing, even though it was the one thing I never wanted. I mean, I could see marriage and kids with that girl. When we first split I was mad hurt, but now I virtually feel nothing. And I think I know why. When we broke up the first time, I was hurting because she didn't give us a chance. I was hurt because we could of had a future, but I would of never of known how it would turn out. Now, I know how far we could of gone. And I guess it was this. There was nothing more I could do for us. I tried and tried to keep things grounded and optimistic, but eventually I lost patience and the arguments followed.

It's the end of the road for us. She could find someone easily, she's beautiful. And she will. Maybe someone who can handle her, and is okay with the smoking. And maybe I'll find someone who'll love me properly, and not play all these games, and not hurt me all the damn time. Someone who can keep to their promises.

I want us to be on good terms, at the least, but I think she's mad at me. I don't want her to resent me. I'll just have to give it time.

This was a selfish, childish post. Apologies.

Elijah