Saturday, 22 January 2011

Fiction.

Wowaweewah, I just realised that I haven't actually blogged something properly in a while. Meaning, my last 'deep' post was 11 days ago. I guess writing dumb-ass, pointless stories, and songs about depressing stuff has pretty much taken my mind off of what I really can't avoid talking about. However, I must do that - avoid it.

Right now, the only things I can think about are:
Alcohol
Sex
Cigars
Prescription drugs
Screaming

Only one of those listed I'm unable to receive/do as easily as the others. You've guessed correctly... fuckmylifesidewayswithapitchfork.

Today was weird. It just all felt strange and unreal. I woke up later in the morning to shower and clean myself up properly (I have free periods in the morning on Fridays), and the journey to college felt... unusual. Then getting into college, I thought this feeling may change or go away, but did nay to my dismay. Ever since X left, college has felt completely different anyway, like it'd side-tracked down a different road of environmental-based feelings. You know when you get the 'feel' of a place? Like home feels different to work/college? Like that. It was altered in a way, meaning it didn't feel like the same college I was at a few months ago.

I didn't go to any lessons, I just didn't want to. Even though my economics teacher cheers me up with his stand-up persona, it didn't seem to me like anything was able to get rid of this feeling. And I think I knew why - X was supposed to be visiting college today. My mind said go home, but my heart said stay. It's like I had to see X, establish them as a physical person once again, just so I can sort out whether or not those feelings are still there. X didn't turn up in the end, which was both a relief and disappointment. Relief because I thought to myself: "What if I see them and all those feelings are still there? What if they talk to me? How do I speak to someone with a past like ours, but also with a present like ours, and no future?" I guess it'd be real awkward. Disappointment because I just want to get it over with and find out.

I didn't want to go straight home today, it feels too lonely there sometimes, so I went back with Mike to jam at his. We've virtually finished our song now, which is great, and it sounds real good. In the space of less than a day, I've established a chorus with him, fit in the rest of the verses, added some extra bits, and basically completed our first song. I'm pretty proud of that :)

On the way home things got bad, however. I don't trust myself when it comes to lonely journeys to any place when it's dark. I was listening to I Wont See You Tonight Pt.1, and it just made things worse. I started getting those suicidal thoughts and such. I hate having this sometimes; not being able to help it. That part of me told me to get off the bus, buy a bottle of vodka, and wonder the streets. It's what it always tells me to do when I'm in this type of situation. I've only listened to that part of me a handful of times, and the consequences weren't too amazing to say the very least.

All of this feels somewhat fictional, and I'm not sure how to pull myself away from it.

1 comment:

  1. Stay strong brother, we've all been in that place you are in now.

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